The We-Vibe Tango: I will do the midnight tango with you.

OK, but guys, the Tango. If the SVAKOM Barbara was a dud, then the Tango is…the anti-dud? You know that feeling when your warm feet first hit the cold linoleum in the morning? Or when Starbucks makes a coffee for the other (insert name here), and you walk all the way up to the counter only to discover that the beautiful double mocha frappe sitting on the counter isn’t for you? And you’re still woefully under-caffeinated? Well, the Tango isn’t like that at all.

The Tango arrives in a sturdy box with the standard accessories (charger, We-Vibe product booklet) and a white satin storage bag. Presentation is neither here nor there: We-Vibe’s colorful, tasteful packaging checks all of the boxes without any fanfare. The Tango’s container is easily adequate, but what about the product inside?

Here’s the lowdown on the Tango by We-Vibe: It’s about the size of a tube of lipstick (and you can get in in either pink or, hurrah, a beautiful cornflower blue), but can your lipstick give you Os? Alas, probably not. Not only is the Tango NOT a tube of lipstick, it’s also NOT a lightweight. Maybe you’ve had a bullet vibe–or two or twenty–before, but the Tango is in a league of its own.

Made from hard, “body-safe PC ABS thermoplastic,” the Tango is completely waterproof and doesn’t require batteries. (For more on the materials, see We-Vibe’s website.) I finished taking a bath with one of my Tangos under an hour ago: when We-Vibe says it’s waterproof, they’re not kidding. (Have I taken my Tango deep sea diving yet? No.) The USB charger’s great in theory — who wants to have to explain where all of the AAA batteries in the house have gone? There is, however, a snag: the charger is persnickety. The Tango connects magnetically to the charger at the two little metal nubs on its base. As you can imagine, when you have a cylindrical toy that’s attached to its charger at only two points, things get real delicate real fast. When you do get the Tango-charger combo just right, a yellow light will appear on the charger to indicate that your Tango’s powering up. (cue Tango transformation sequence with glitter and psychedelic colors) In theory, that yellow light will wink out when the Tango’s ready to rock ‘n roll; in practice, the absence of a yellow light is equally likely to mean that someone sneezed in the vicinity of your Tango, and now you WON’T be enjoying nice, rumbly vibrations as planned, sorry.

Let’s talk about those nice, rumbly vibrations. The Tango comes equipped with four steady vibration strengths (oh..?, oh!, OH!, and OH MY GOD) and four patterns (three slower pulses followed by two quick pulses, waves, fast pulses, and a slow-slow-quick-quick-quick pattern; the intensity of the vibrations is not variable in any of the pattern modes). I prefer the power of the two most intense modes, but there isn’t a mode that can’t get me there in under 15 minutes. The Tango’s just that good. The patterns, on the other hand, leave me…tepid, but sometimes I find myself craving the wave.

One more note on the steady vibration modes: there’s a appreciable difference in buzziness between the most intense and first three steady vibration settings. Steady mode no. 1 is definitely the most rumbly, but until the transition between the third and the fourth steady vibration mode, the stepwise increase in buzziness is gradual and gentle. The leap from the third to the fourth, however, mode is neither gradual nor gentle. (Imagine moving from a walking pace to a jogging pace on a treadmill, and then accidentally hitting the “10 mph” button with your elbow. My clit was flailing.)

Sounds great, right?  Yeah. And it is, until the Tango dies. We-Vibe’s website claims that you’ll get up to two hours one one charge, and maybe they’re right…if you use the least intense mode throughout. In my experience, 30-35 min on high is the norm (You should get around 50 min on the second highest steady vibration mode). Half-an-hour might seem like long enough–especially if the Tango can get you there in under 15–but I LIKE seconds. And sometimes thirds. What can I say? I’m the Oliver Twist of orgasms: I always want some more.

more cat
Cat of responsibilities says, “No.”

The lifespan of a charged Tango is one thing, but what about its lifespan, full stop? The answer in one word: underwhelming. Not one, but two Tangos have broken down before the end of the one-year warranty period. We-Vibe customer care is exceptional, but two untimely Tango deaths is suspicious. And I’m not the only one who can’t seem to keep a Tango alive for more than ~9 mo: it’s a frequent issue among sex toy reviewers.

And then there’s the button. It’s an outtie, and it lives at the non-business end of the Tango. The genius of the single button is its simplicity: you don’t have to worry about a + or a – in the heat of the moment. But here’s the rub: because there’s only one button, if you’ve just skipped your favorite mode, you have two options: power the Tango off and start over, or cycle back through all of the 8 modes until you come back around to the mode that you want. The third option is one of the first two options but with extra swearing.

The material itself–hard ABS–keeps the vibrations strong from end to end like a champ. I was prepared to accept tingly fingers (a small price to pay), but to my astonishment…nothing. Not one tingle when I grip the Tango by the non-business end. If you’re going to add lube to the equation, brace yourself for a whole lot of inadvertent Tango dropping adventures. Sound like a silly complaint, right? And it will, until you’re on the brink of orgasm and the Tango falls off of the bed and rolls underneath the box spring. Hello, unsexy dust bunnies.

Final gripe: the lipstick style tip allows the user to choose between more or less pinpoint stimulation (e.g. more pinpoint at the very tip and broader when the flat part of the tip is used), but a wand lover will be disappointed. While you can use the entire length of the Tango by laying it flat against your labia, because of how you’ll have to grip it, expect tingly fingers.

Are any of these flaws fatal? Nope. I can endorse the Tango forwards, backwards, and upside-down with a clear conscience. However, if you’re going to buy yourself a Tango, do like a monarch and plan to have an heir and a spare.

we-vibe tango specs

 

 

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